


everything about you that hurts

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4621212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(It worries Steve, too, how he's already seeing this as an event horizon. At some point he'd started thinking of college as the point where he met Bucky and his life changed, but now—now he wonders if his life can't be divided into three parts: Before Bucky, With Bucky, and After. It scares him.)<br/>--<br/>or, the worst week of steve rogers' life, probably.</p><p>(note: this fic has some discussion of depression, which may be triggering. it should mostly be in the final chapter, but please read responsibly!)</p><p>(ALSO NOTE: this fic is almost definitely discontinued, i'm sorry!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. saturday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goodmanperfectsoldier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmanperfectsoldier/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers has been best friends with Bucky Barnes for seven months. They met on the first day of class and have been basically inseparable ever since, so why the hell is Bucky not talking to Steve all of a sudden?

Steve Rogers has been best friends with Bucky Barnes for seven months. Seven _months_ of talking, walking across campus, eating lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays (fall semester) and Fridays (spring, Steve's art labs and Bucky's reading having started to pile up), and just plain being all up in each other's business all the time. 

They met on the first day of class and have been basically inseparable ever since, so why the hell is Bucky not talking to Steve all of a sudden?

He was a little weird before spring break, but Steve had tried to give him the benefit of the doubt—first spring break after the beginning of college, meaning Bucky'd probably have to see old friends again, which he hadn't exactly been thrilled about. (In fact, Steve wasn't sure he could name one of Bucky's high school friends. He had to have had _some,_ right?)

But a couple days into being home for break, his enthusiasm and availability for Skype calls and constant texts and Snapchats tapered off, and Steve hasn't heard from him in days. 

Honestly, he's worried. He's been back on campus since Friday himself, and despite calling Buck multiple times to try to get together before break was officially over, his best friend has been radio silent. He's even hiked across campus to Bucky's res hall to knock on his door, but he wasn't allowed upstairs without someone who lived in the hall. Now he’s onto plan C: getting their friend Sam, a psych major who lives a few floors up, to go try it himself. 

Steve waits downstairs in the lobby of the residence hall, pacing back and forth, checking his watch. 

"Excuse me, sir?"

He looks up and around, finally realizing the front desk clerk is talking to him. 

"Yeah? I mean, yes ma'am?"

"Could you, uh, please pace somewhere else? Maybe around the couch over there," she says, pointing toward the furniture-filled room to Steve's left. "It's just, you're blocking my view of the door."

"OH!" Steve nods. "Absolutely, I'm sorry, I'm just waiting on someone. I'll get out of your way, though." 

He walks past the elevators to stand behind a couch, where two dudes are playing a really intense game of Super Smash. He watches them while he waits. What's taking Sam so long, anyway? He slides his phone out of his pocket and checks to make sure Sam hasn't just texted him to come up. 

He hasn't, but it doesn't matter, as Steve hears the elevator ding and Sam rounds the corner. 

"Hey, so—"

"Where's Bucky?" 

"Could you give me a second, Rogers?" 

"...Sorry. Hi again, Sam. Where's Bucky?"

"He's upstairs, but he doesn't want to see you right now. Hell, he barely wanted to see me, and I only got him to talk by forcing my way in the door."

"Is he...okay? Can I go see him?"

Sam sighs, rubbing a hand over his forehead. "Look, man, he's—he's dealing with some stuff. Says he needs some space, and..." He trails off, staring at his feet for a minute before swallowing and looking Steve in the face again. "He specifically said he didn't want to see you or hear from you. I'm sorry, man." 

Steve shakes his head, trying to keep his composure though he feels like swinging fists for the first time in a long while. 

"He, uh, he said what?"

"Look, Steve, I don't know what to tell you. Bucky's business is his own, and I'm not willing to tell you anything he told me without his permission. He just asked me to tell you to let him be." 

Steve takes a deep breath. "Got that patient confidentiality thing going already, huh, Sam?" He forces a laugh like a blow to the stomach. 

"I guess you could say that." Sam places a hand on Steve's shoulder. "If I were you, I would give him some space. I can't make any promises, but I think your best bet is to let him come to you first. Okay?"

If it were anybody other than Sam, Steve would force his way past him to the elevator and start punching buttons. But it’s Sam, whose very presence makes you feel like speaking in calm tones, and Steve can't fight that. He has a feeling he can't fight Sam, either, even if he wants to. 

So he hangs his head. "Alright. Thanks, Sam. Let me know if you hear anything different."

"No problem, Steve. I'm here if you need me, and I'll see you in freshman comp." 

Sam takes the elevator back upstairs to his room, and Steve walks home.


	2. tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuesday rolls around, and Steve is pretty worried that he's going to screw this waiting game up.

Steve spends the next few days moping, trying to break old habits. Every time something funny or interesting or stressful happens, he finds himself instinctively reaching for his phone, halfway through a text to Bucky before he remembers he's not supposed to do that anymore. 

It's just about to break his heart. The worst part—it's all the worst part, really—is that all he wants to do with this silence and heartache is talk to Bucky about it. But he can't, of course, and it's just this endless cycle of missing Bucky and feeling miserable and wishing he could talk to Bucky about feeling so bad, which reminds him that he misses Bucky, and so on. 

Tuesday rolls around, and Steve is pretty worried that he's going to screw this waiting game up. Tuesdays and Thursdays are when he and Buck have a required basic polisci class together. Usually they sit next to each other and try not to laugh at the little notes they write to each other in the margins of their notebooks, but of course, that was Before. 

(It worries Steve, too, how he's already seeing this as an event horizon. At some point he'd started thinking of college as the point where he met Bucky and his life changed, but now—now he wonders if his life can't be divided into three parts: Before Bucky, With Bucky, and After. It scares him.)

Steve walks into the classroom bracing himself for impact, no idea what to expect. He doesn't see Bucky anywhere, but Steve is perpetually early, so that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He wonders if he should take his normal seat, but if Bucky wants space, then...then he figures he should give it to him. Instead, Steve takes an empty seat in the back of the classroom, as far from their usual spot as he can.

He fidgets all through the lecture, barely taking notes, but Bucky never shows up. 

After class, his professor catches him in the hallway. 

"Steve! I noticed your friend Bucky wasn't here today, do you know how he's doing?"

Steve shakes his head. "I'm...not sure."

The professor continues. "Well, next time you see him, could you remind him of our quiz Thursday? I'll try to remember to email him back and let him know, but you kids never seem to check your school accounts as often as you should." She laughs. 

"Anyway, tell him I hope he feels better soon. Thanks!" 

She walks off down the hallway before Steve can say anything else. He wonders what she was talking about, emailing him back and hoping he felt better soon. 

He doesn't understand why a professor would know something when Bucky won't even tell him anything. 

Steve takes his phone out of his pocket and texts Sam, asking him to please, however he can, let Bucky know about the quiz. 

He's late to his next class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's so short--I promise chapter 3 gets to the good stuff ASAP.


	3. thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He pulls the cap out of his backpack and puts it on, pulling it down to hide as much of his face as he can while still being "casual." He puts the jacket on, too, for good measure, popping the collar. 
> 
> He gets a few strange looks from hallway lurkers, but he can't be bothered. Today he is a man with a mission, and that mission just walked out of the classroom: Bucky.

When Steve arrives at the polisci classroom Thursday, he is a man with a plan and a baseball cap and jacket in his backpack. 

He sits in the back of the classroom again, hoping that Bucky will show up at least to take the quiz. And he does, thankfully. 

After a short lecture, the professor hands out quizzes to the class, and Steve takes his as quickly as he can (probably failing in the process—he's been too preoccupied to study) and runs out of the classroom, ducking behind a corner while keeping the door in view. He pulls the cap out of his backpack and puts it on, pulling it down to hide as much of his face as he can while still being "casual." He puts the jacket on, too, for good measure, popping the collar. 

He gets a few strange looks from hallway lurkers, but he can't be bothered. Today he is a man with a mission, and that mission just walked out of the classroom: Bucky. 

Steve has watched SEVERAL spy movies in the last two days, thank you very much, and employs their strategies as best he can while following Bucky down the hall, down some stairs, and...across the entire damn campus. In the heat, with a hat and jacket on. 

(There is nothing Steve Rogers would not do for Bucky Barnes.)

He ducks behind a tree when they arrive at what seems to be their final destination, the building with the campus health clinic and pharmacy. Steve is intimately familiar. He pauses and breathes heavily, wondering what on earth Bucky's doing here—is he sick? Is he DYING?—and when he looks up, he's staring right into his best friend's face. 

"You're a shit spy, Stevie." There's only a hint of forced humor in his voice, flat and low. 

"Bucky! I, uh, I was just..."

Bucky sighs. "I know it's not time to refill any of your prescriptions yet, so don't lie to me. You were following me."

He doesn't look angry. He just looks...tired. Exhausted, even. The usual playful joy in his eyes is just not there—they seem glassy as he stares at Steve, waiting for an answer. 

"I wasn't—"

"Don't LIE to me. Don't you dare." Steve has seen Bucky well and truly angry maybe twice since they've known each other, but this isn't that. This is a very quiet anger, and Steve wonders if it's all his fault. 

He swallows. "Yes. I followed you."

"Why in the hell—"

"You KNOW why. I was worried about you!" 

Bucky shakes his head. "Well, don't. You don't have to. It's not your JOB anymore."

"Buck..."

"Don't call me that. Don't call me anything. Just go home, Steve." 

Steve looks his best friend in the face, trying not to let on how badly he wants to cry. 

Bucky...well, Bucky just looks. Like hell. All Steve wants is to wrap him in a hug and take him home, order his favorite pizza, and watch Star Trek for the thousandth time, but he knows Bucky won't let him. He won't even look him in the eye. 

"Bucky, look at me—" Steve's reached out a hand to lift his chin without thinking, but Bucky swats it away.

"Don't touch me," he mutters through his teeth. 

Steve tries to find the right words, and to speak without letting his voice shake. He can feel the corners of his mouth waver as he speaks, a sure sign he's going to cry. 

"I don't know what I did but I'm sorry, and I don't know what's going on but I'm here for you no matter what and when you want me—when you need me, I'll still be here. You know where to find me." 

And before Bucky can say anything, before he can find a new way to break his heart, Steve turns around and walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky finally shows up in this chapter! And now we're all sad. Sorry, y'all.


	4. sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's four in the morning when Steve's phone wakes him up, and he's only half-awake when he checks the caller ID to see Bucky's face. 
> 
> He rubs his eyes and sighs, figuring somehow it's an accident, because why would Bucky be calling him now? 
> 
> But he answers anyway, because he can't not, and it's Bucky, of course, and he sounds like he's been crying—a lot. By the time Bucky's caught his breath enough to ask, Steve's already halfway out the door with his left shoe on.

It's four in the morning when Steve's phone wakes him up, and he's only half-awake when he checks the caller ID to see Bucky's face. 

He rubs his eyes and sighs, figuring somehow it's an accident, because why would Bucky be calling him now? 

But he answers anyway, because he can't not, and it's Bucky, of course, and he sounds like he's been crying—a lot. By the time Bucky's caught his breath enough to ask, Steve's already halfway out the door with his left shoe on. 

"I will be RIGHT THERE. Don't move." He barely remembers to lock the door behind him in his haste. 

When Steve arrives at Bucky's door, he knocks, and the door opens slightly. He slides in and locks it behind him quietly, following the low sound of sobs to find Bucky on the floor of his bedroom, knees to his chest, shaking. 

Steve sits down on the floor next to him and gently pulls Bucky's head to his chest to hold him, rubbing his back as Bucky hiccups through his tears. 

"Shh, Buck, it's okay. I'm here. Whatever it is, you're gonna be okay."

Bucky's head moves slightly, but he keeps his face buried in Steve's sleep shirt, which is quickly becoming soaked. Steve doesn't care. Steve doesn't give a damn about anything that isn't Bucky right now. 

Steve continues to hold Bucky, letting him cry it out until he's calmed down enough to breathe almost normally again. 

"Bucky, buddy, you need to sleep, okay? C'mon," he whispers as he stands up, pulling Bucky up with him and walking him over to his bed. It's a mess, sheets tangled and half-unmade, but Steve straightens it out as best he can before Bucky climbs in. 

Steve hesitates at his bedside. 

"Please don't go," Bucky whispers, and it's the saddest thing Steve's ever heard, and of course he won't. He turns to the bed and Bucky scoots over, trying to make room on the extra-long twin for both their bodies. 

It's a tight fit, but they make it work. Bucky curls up into Steve's lanky frame, and Steve stays awake long after Bucky finally falls asleep just to hear his breathing settle, calm and deep. 

When Steve wakes up, he checks his phone to see it's late afternoon and nudges Bucky to wake him up. 

"Hey, do you want me to go grab something to eat? I can just run across the street and be back in like, fifteen minutes, tops. You can stay in bed till I'm back."

Bucky mumbles something that sounds affirmative, and Steve hops up and goes downstairs. There's a McDonald's across the street, and Steve comes back with 20 chicken McNuggets and medium fries for each of them, thanks to some weird special. Bucky looked so pale in the daylight, and he wonders if he's been eating enough. 

When Steve gets back to Bucky's room, he can hear the sound of the shower running, and thank god, he thinks. Maybe he'll feel better with clean hair.

When Bucky comes out of the shared suite bathroom, he's dressed in his pajamas again. 

"Oh," he says. "You're still here?" 

"Said I'd be back," Steve replies, holding out a bag of food. "Not leaving until you eat something and talk to me." 

He can't tell if Bucky is annoyed or not. Mostly he just flushes, avoiding Steve's eyes. Steve eats about 15 McNuggets before calling it, and Bucky—well, Bucky manages about six, if Steve's counting correctly. His fries go cold while he ignores them. 

"So," Steve says when they both seem done eating. "You gonna tell me what's going on?"

"No."

Steve sighs. "Why not?"

"Because I can't, okay? I just can't talk about it right now. I'm sorry."

Steve pauses for a minute, thinking, and then puts his hand on Bucky's. "Okay. I won't pretend to understand, but I'm going to trust you on this. Will you be able to tell me anytime soon?"

Bucky nods. "I'm going to try. It's just too soon."

"Okay," Steve says. "I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?"

"No," Bucky says, "you don't have to. I actually…if it's okay with you, can, um. Can we go back to normal? I think…that that'd help."

Steve smiles gently and squeezes Bucky's hand. "Of course. You're my best friend, and I'm here for whatever you need." 

"Thanks, Stevie. I missed you." 

Steve leans his head onto Bucky's shoulder. "I missed you more."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like this fic will actually be at least five chapters long! Hoping to get the last bit written in the next couple of days. And thank you all for your kudos and comments! I'm really nervous about this fic, so I'm glad some of y'all like it!

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this fic idea in my head for a while, thanks goodmanperfectsoldier for enabling me.


End file.
